Mommy read other blog posts who wrote about their feelings of the Newtown Massacre. Mommy clicked the comment button on their blogs, but just couldn't find the words to put a comment together to write how saddened she felt grieving for the terrible tragedy. Other bloggers can word things so right and Mommy was just at a loss for words.
Mommy started to type a post with me to try to express what she is feeling -- and she was about to delete the entire thing when she was about half way done. But, Mommy felt better by typing her feelings -- so she kept it. It's basically a story about her growing up.
By the way, Mommy is the Queen of the "Run-On Sentence." She did the best she could, but its probably loaded with tons of incorrect grammar!
Mommy isn't trying to impose her beliefs on anyone. She just wrote from the heart.
Maybe I'll Understand When I'm Older
The first time Mommy ever saw a gun was when she was about 7-8 years old. The first time she saw a gun was in church! Mommy's family sings in the church choir and Mommy was still a little too young to sing in the choir at that age. So, she would sit in the back of the choir loft with her brother, sister, and other kids in the choir. One Sunday during Liturgy, one of the kids in the choir loft noticed one of the men who sang in the choir had a gun in his holster. Mommy was terrified. Mommy's dad was singing and standing next to the man with a gun!
Mommy sat terrified and amazingly still during the entire Liturgy and could only think about the gun the entire Liturgy! After the Liturgy, and the man with the gun left church, Mommy told her parents. "Mommy, that man had a gun!"
Mommy's parents told her not to worry. That man is a police officer; a detective. He probably had to go back to work that day. Mommy was young and didn't understand. How could a gun be in church! Mommy thought all guns were bad because they kill people. Mommy's parents said that police officers protect people and they carry around guns. Mommy was still puzzled and said... that man wasn't wearing a police officer uniform -- he was dressed in his church clothes and had a gun. All Mommy's parents kept saying was that it was ok and, "
You will understand when you are older."
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Years later, when Mommy was about 12, an adult friend of the family was talking at a party about how he went hunting. He shot and killed a deer. He even took his son with him hunting. Mommy kinda blurted out, "Can't you buy your meat at the grocery store like everyone else -- why do you have to go hunting!" The man kinda chuckled and said to her, "It's a Sport" and he carried on his conversation at the party like it was no big deal.
Mommy thought to herself,
how can the killing of animals be a "sport." Baseball is a "sport", soccer is a "sport". How can killing animals be a "sport." But then Mommy remembered what her parents said years ago and thought to herself, "
Maybe I'll understand when I'm older."
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Ten years ago, mommys friend's younger brother was killed by a gun. Mommy was about 25 at the time. Mommy's friend's family owned a store. A gunman shot mommy's friends dad who owned the store. The dad survived his gunshot wounds. However, Mommys friend's brother heard the gunshot and came downstairs with a gun. The police ended up killing mommy's friend's brother. He must have been so stunned when he saw his father bleeding from being shot by the gunman, and he musn't have heard the police tell him to drop his gun. The police shot the brother in that tense moment and he died!
Mommy comforted her friend as best as she could. She was there for her, provided support, understanding, comforting. Mommy remembers her friend wanting her to find all the newspaper articles Mommy could find on the shooting. Ten years ago, the internet was helpful in finding stuff, but not as informative as it is nowadays. Mommy remembers searching downtown frantically looking for old copies of newspapers in bins. She asked people who subscribed to the papers if they still had old issues. Mommy volunteered to look thru people's trash to find the newspaper articles. Mommy offered to pay people money to buy old newspaper issues off them. Mommy's friend needed it -- so Mommy was determined, and got the newspaper articles her friend needed so desperately to try to find some answers.
After some time, Mommy asked her friend a question. She said, "Why did your brother have a gun?" All mommy's friend said was all his guns were legal. He collected them. It was a hobby like stamp collecting and collecting baseball cards.
Mommy just didn't understand.
How could something so dangerous be a hobby. Mommy left the topic alone. She just wanted to be there for her friend and tried to help her get thru this tragedy of losing her brother. All Mommy thought to herself was, "
Maybe I'll understand when I'm older".
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Here we are in the present, 2012. Mommy is 35. Mommy is clearly an adult. And she is watching the news along with the nation hearing of the tragic shooting of all those innocent children and teachers in Newtown.
Mommy thought to herself, it's been ten years since her friend's brother died, because he owned a gun. Mommy would have thought she would have found an answer to her question about guns by now. Mommy is all grown up! Mommy is now at the point where she can't say, "
Maybe I'll understand when I'm older." Mommy is at that point of being "older" already, and still the subject of guns still makes no sense to Mommy.
Mommy still doesn't understand how people can collect guns for a hobby or use for a sport.
A lot of the TV shows nowadays makes no sense to Mommy either. Why do they constantly make shows like those Crime Scene shows that focus on killings and murders. Maybe Mommy is just naive, but she closes her eyes whenever a commercial for a show like that even comes on during another program.
With the massacre on Friday, all Mommy has been thinking of are innocent lives being lost because of guns.
Eventhough Mommy first saw a gun in church when she was child, she is thankful that the first place she ever saw a gun was in church. I know that doesn't make much sense! Mommy is glad she was able to learn about guns in a safe environment; in church. Someplace where Mommy felt safe!
Mommy can't even begin to imagine what it was like for all those children whose first experience being around someone with a gun was in a life-threatening situation.
All Mommy can say is she doesn't understand and will never understand why people own guns!
Mommy has been praying for those who lost their lives to guns and is hoping people will respect life and get rid of their guns.
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Mommy recalls what a priest said in his homily on the 10th anniversary of September 11th. "People might ask, where was God in all of this." To apply some of the thoughts that the priest said about 9/11 to this massacre. "God was everywhere." He was helping the first responders at the scene of the massacre. God was helping the teachers quickly react and put the needs of the children first instead of their own. God was helping keep children safe and quiet in their hiding spots when they were terrified. God was there helping the teachers, giving them strength to risk their own lives to try to save the children. God was there keeping that little girl sane enough to "play dead" to save her life after the gunman killed everyone else in her class. God was there helping the teachers who told the children to cover their eyes when they walked out of the building to protect them from some of the images of horror. "God was everywhere!"
